LIFE MARCHES NO AND KEEPS ON RECORD

Hey Ossie: 

I was thinking about you today, 39 days from the anniversary of your passing. The passage of time seems to fly unapologetically by keeping no record of the path of you, but we do. Every single one of us whose lives you've touched in one way or another. It’s been over a decade since you've transitioned to another plain leaving us all here feeling the stain your absence left. The harsh reality is Life marches on, for kings and queens, rich and poor, wicked and kind, wasting no time, not pausing for the cause or even pity, it keeps no record. Ah, but we, we keep record, though life demands that we move on, and we shuffle our feet reluctant but moving. It is not that we cannot live without you, it is that we didn't want to. It is that we are forced to whether we like it or not, our feelings matter little, its inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. Like water sifting through sand under your feet we move on regardless, despite ourselves, we live, we thrive, we laugh, we cry, staying in gratitude hugging the memory of you to us, it is the best surrender we can abide. There are many who were closer to you than I was, and I carry you with me, so imagine for them. As we gather in family comradery, you're alive again. As we live, so do you, through the experiences we've shared and walked together, the memories-laughter, tears, frustration, and the bane of self-discovery and the challenges of being. I dare say though, the nuances of you, your character has left footprints that the mindful eyes can see and the buoyant spirit can feel. I often wonder, Hmmmm, but I dare not wonder, for I know better than to question, rather, I stay in faith, believing. Missing you always...D. 

On Angel Duty: 

10 years, 1 month, 7 days, 20 hours, 32 minutes, 33 seconds

3688 days, 20 hours, 32 minutes and 33 seconds 

318,717,153 seconds

5,311,952 minutes

88,532 hours 

3688 days

526 weeks

1010.65% of a common year (365 days)

2012 Warrior Games cyclists show the spirit of Team Navy/Coast Guard

Blessings 💞 Ossie. Sitting here just thinking about you. How you and Tantie doing? You'll are really missed. Life now, as it's been, is full of a multitude of Grey's and all the blended in-between kaleidoscopic shades. Navigating it all is a roller coaster of mind numbing exciting exhilaration, knee buckling terror, doubt, hope, faith and anticipation rolled into an explosion of spectacular nauseating inspiration of the unknown. It keeps me in a constant state of gratitude, humility and prayer with a sense of titillating wonder that often catapults me into reflection as a reminder to take nothing for granted. In one of my reflection moments as I scrolled  through the web I happened upon the Wounded Warrior Games articles with you as a featured mentioned. How's that for coincidence? Or is there such a thing as coincidence? 

Here's a question for yah. I've been am wondering, did you get to meet our grandmother Iona yet? 

2012 Warrior Games cyclists show the spirit of Team Navy/Coast Guard: Team Navy/Coast Guard warrior athletes Navy Hospital Corpsman 3rd Class Angelo Anderson (right), team members, and Navy Safe Harbor staff surround retired Navy Aviation Machinist's Mate 2nd Class Oswald Gould (left) providing comfort after a grueling race during the men's two-wheel open race kicking off the 2012 Warrior Games on the first day of competition at U.S. Air Force Academy, Tuesday May 1, 2012. The 35 warrior athletes are participating as Team Navy/Coast Guard, sponsored by Navy Safe Harbor, the Navy and Coast Guard's wounded warrior support program, a key component of the Department of the Navy's 21st Century Sailor and Marine initiative.

HELPING HAND

Navy Petty Officer 3rd Class Angelo Anderson lends a helping hand to retired Navy Petty Officer 2nd Class Oswald Gould during the cycling event at the 2012 Warrior Games in Colorado Springs, Colo., May 1, 2012. Anderson is a hospital corpsman and Gould was an aviation machinist's mate. More than 200 wounded, ill or injured service members from the U.S. and British armed forces are competing in the games, which run until May 5.

ON ANGEL DUTY 👼🏾

THE UNCERTAINITY OF HUMANNESS

 

Hey Ozzie:

Thoughts of you flowed through my mind today. It had me philosophically examining the complexity of humanity. Our human frailties, that more times than not we fall short while navigating our world through unfiltered lens fogged up by generational traumas. By childhood misunderstood slights closeted in our bodies and minds that arises as defenses, our soft spots because as children we had not yet learned to see the world beyond black and white. How we missed the shades of grey and didn’t even know there was a kaleidoscope awaiting discovery to let us know everything would be alright, because  our minds lack discretion, not yet fully developed into plausible reasoning. How we emerged into adulthood cleaving to our juvenile hurts, our souls a bit tattered. How our bruised egos front and center falsely convinced us that somehow we are flawed beyond repair and woefully inadequate. How we hadn’t learnt how to forgive our parents their humanness who were at times not cognisant that their own inherited hurts bleed into their parenting; because we hadn’t yet learnt healthy ways to sooth ourselves, to realize our excellence, to work through our hurts, not comprehending exactly how to put things in its proper context, to align perspectives and express ourselves in ways that is not hurtful to others.

I have learnt many things thus far and its super crazy and kind of frightening to comprehend finally, that the accountability starts with self, regardless of whom planted the seeds of hurt. Isn’t that a swift kick in the teeth, when all we really want to do it rail in self-righteous indignation. Instead, we must take responsibility for unpacking all that shit because we are worthy and entitled to offload all that mess so we can bloom unapologetically. To understand that fear, anger, sadness, disappointment cannot take the lead and we cannot cloak ourselves in it if we hope to rise, because the unsureness of how to heal the Self with care, kindness and empathy can and will open wounds in others in our orbit.  

That’s it. That is what I was thinking about or rambling depending on your take. A lot, I know right! Kind of like one of our groove conversations when we did talk. Sorry I took so long to check in. I really don’t have any excuses, though I could give you a thousand. The simply truth is, I just wasn’t feeling it and I am nothing if not authentic. So I’ll show up when its real, when am feeling it. I’ll leave the fake stuff for the birds.

On Angel Duty:

6 years, 10 days.

72 months, 10 days.

314 weeks and 4 days

2202 days

52,848 hours

3,170,880 minutes

190,252,800 seconds

603.29% of a common year (365 days)

THE UNPREDICTABILITY OF LIFE

Hey Ossie: 

I woke up with thoughts of you on my mind. Thinking about the unpredictability of life and how we as children growing up, never truly gave thought to how we will die. We believed ourselves invincible. Our own death was never a factor even while we were experiencing the loss of loved ones. Though we felt it. Though we grieved. It never truly registered. I guess that is the resiliency of children. God's way of protecting us when we are children against the hash reality of our human frailty. 

You were so courageous in your LIVING inspite of dire diagnosis and raging battle. I don't pretend to know what it was like for you. I don't pretend to understand what the emotionally or psychologically price were as a result of the lived experience. I only know your courage that allowed you to wake up everyday and move through the world determinantly, because frankly it couldn't be anything else.

Today for the first time I am feeling the true depth of the loss of tantie Jacqueline. I am not sure why today is so special as I've always felt her loss. Today Friday October 23rd 2020, though it seem all encompassing, not sure of it's significance. I only know that I ache in the depths of my being in a way that refute denial. Your mom was special to me. She gave me hope at a time in my life when hopelessness had free reign over my psyche. I live in gratitude for her influence in my life at that time. 

I guess I'm ruminating a lot today. We live in such precarious times. We are living through this pandemic of Covid-19. People are dying by the thousands, millions all over the world. It feels like they're dropping like flies. The contagion level is so high but many people are not listening, they're being wilfully defiant and putting many at risk for contagion, sickness and death. The horror of the disease is not contained to what you see in the movies anymore. Covid-19 seems to take people indiscriminately, one can't help but think about their mortality and human fragility.

Alright, I end my soliloquy here.

Take care. Love 💞 always.

On Angel 👼 Duty since: Feb 21, 2015

5 years, 8 months, 3 days

179,020,800 seconds

2,983,680 minutes

49,728 hours

2072 days

296 weeks

567.67% of a common year (365 days)

RELUCTANTLY HERE - TOUCHING BASE

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." --revelation 21:4

Hey Ossie, its been a while since I've created a post, almost 8 months. I have no real excuse except to say just life, choices and navigating the nuances. Times has changed, the world is in a tail spin with this infectious virus COVID 19 pandemic.

I don't think when you were here that you could even imagine a time when the government would legislate our movements and dictate for the most part where we can and cannot go. Oh but perhaps you can as you were military. Though it is in our best interest to adhere and follow its dictate it is but a hard pill to swallow. But, here we are, living it. We, are dealing, all 7.594+ billion of us that dwell on this big blue marble we call earth, navigating the isolation, social distancing and travel restrictions.  Young and old, rich, poor, destitute and homeless all in the same pot dealing with the same fear, loss and paranoia. No privilege offers to any one ethnicity or upper socioeconomic class a special pass. It is one big leveled playing field.

The death toll continues to rise daily. It is estimated that 258,344 people have died so far, It is frighteningly sobering to think there will be thousands more as they have not yet found a cure. Your sister, brother and aunt are all on the front-line doing their part. Your aunt my mama at 75 marches on daily like a warrior. Its a bitter dose of daily reality that I must reluctantly swallow every day that won't allow escape for a moment's peace (the peace you have to steal it.). There is no chaser to make it taste better, no honey to mellow its bitter taste and no disguise to cover its ugly truth.

I know you got your mama there with you now. Aunty took her final bow and while all of us struggled and still struggling to come to terms with the sudden swiftness in which she departed I think now we are grateful in light of what we are all facing. Many families are not able to visit their loves ones in the hospital. They are forced to stay away due to the unforgiving viciousness of the virus. Families cannot say proper goodbyes, cannot attend funerals and perform the rituals of walking down memory lane with stories of remember when, of l I love you goodbyes that brings closure and acceptance as we commensurate with friends and families. It is our new reality.

Amidst the drudgery of following the necessary medical mandate to flatten the curve of the Covid 19 pandemic that has the world in its tentacles I am able to smile. I am able to find pleasure and gratitude in the insane mundane sameness life has become. I can hear you asking, how? How can you find pleasure in the restrictive mundaneness of it all? Smiling, I'd say, "Am here. I am healthy for the most part. I wake up everyday able to help myself. Though I am imperfect and things are far from perfect I am grateful to simply be.

I experience all the fear, worry and uncertainty but I cannot and will not let it swallow me. Amidst the fear there is joy. Amidst the sorrow there is hope. Amidst the sadness there is happiness for my faith is not chased by the bleakness of our current existence but is inspired by who I know God is and what God can and will accomplish. Am I afraid, most certainly. Am I a bit tipsy on paranoia, absolutely. Am I exercising precautions and cautions, without a doubt. However I am also walking through my fear as courageously and as judiciously as I can. I am counting my blessings, haves and celebrating each new day with thanksgiving. I am thankful for each breath I take without assistance and unobstructed. I am steadfastly cultivating my peace of mind and I am constantly in conversation with the Divine Omnipotent. I am embracing humility and waltzing with patience and when it threatens to overwhelm me. I breathe deep to the depths of my being and I let it dissolve quietly on my tongue savoring its taste moment to moment until I can take it day by day. It is not easy but it is doable. 

Well cous as the night tips into the wee hours of the morning and the stillness breathes cool air, I'll end here. Thank you for lending your ear. Take care of Aunty for me but knowing her, she is taking care of you. Let her know I love her and miss her dearly. I love you to, don't get it twisted.

Peace and love always...

Your cousin,

D.S.B.S.Rhapsody Phonenix

On Angel duty since February 21, 2015
5 years, 2 months, 16 days 
62 months, 16 days 
164,332,800 seconds
2,738,880 minutes
45,648 hours
1902 days
271 weeks and 5 days
521.10% of a common year (365 days)

Aunty on Angel duty since January 17, 2020
3 months, 20 days
9,590,400 seconds
159,840 minutes
2664 hours
111 days
15 weeks and 6 days

30.33% of 2020